An open letter to the businesses sending thrilling Valentine’s day offers

Dear well wishing companies trying to make me celebrate a happy valentine’s day.

Your relentless endeavours to fill my inbox with jaw dropping offers is absolutely commendable!

-BOGO! (is it buy one or get one OR Bring one and get another?)

-Table for two for the price of one!( throw in a 3rd and it will be more fun)

-75% exclusively for me! (how many more such “exclusives” are you promoting, you sly ?)

I get it !

I totally understand we are a huge market segment and a big boost of sales for y’ all before you calculate your year end profits next month end.

I totally get it!

In fact, I love your offers!

Your intentions are good. However, I am extremely sorry to say your approach is wrong.

You show an all- inclusive and progressive attitude by adopting celebrations not belonging to our culture. Brownie points for that !

Still showing an inclusive attitude when you send bulk messages about deep discounts and once in a lifetime offers to woo the bae! Applause!

What I am unable to comprehend is –

don’t you get our complete bio-data when you make us sign up at your website?

Like our names, ages and the fact that we are forty something olds with a different definition of Valentine’s day?

When you bulk buy our sensitive data from the data sellers,

don’t they show you the age range for each customer ?

I would really appreciate it if you level up your marketing game by digging further deep into each of your customer details down to age, interest, preferences, stage of life! Mine our data well!

Because we fill pages when we sign up with any app.

We work hard when providing our details, count of teeth, chipped nails, frequency of bathroom trips , and heart beats!

I mean we even count the number of lashes in each eye!

So at least make your team work harder to use it to your full advantage!

Privacy is a myth, we all know! So please use my privacy to your advantage!

Amazon knows every bit of me.The other day Amazon kept chasing me with an ad showing a blue skirt with white stripes just because I mentioned a blue skirt near Alexa!

Alexa hear-th, Amazon receive-th and then chase-th !

thats the game!

So let’s not pretend you do not have my information! You do!

Your thoughtless, biased offers!

On 7th February, you prompted me to send a bunch of roses to my bae. If you had tied up with makemytrip.com, they would have informed you Suman’s bae is travelling.

On 10th February, I got this message! It is outrageous!

First of all, I do not call him a BAE and will never call him a cuddly bear even when I am taken over by insanity!

He weighs 67 kgs! He is lean, no protruding belly!

His sister thinks I starve him!

He is not cuddly, he is a structure of bone with some mass of flesh in the right places just enough to give him the shape of a decent human.

Hugging him feels like hugging a stickman with a heart (awwww people) — the best an arranged marriage could get ya

!

He doesn’t like cuddles. (My parents did not ask him his preferences before marriage, I keep discovering them everyday! )

If I call him a bear, he will look for a lawyer!

Indirectly, you are jeopardising my marriage on the pretext of Valentine’s day!

What an irony! I urge you again to be all inclusive, empathetic towards midlife valentine’s day celebrators. You treat us like 20 years old and that kind of offends me!

In the context of empathy, I will practise what I preach! I am your well-wisher too! I will let you play cupid and in turn you listen to my suggestions of making your company an “all inclusive” company who customise their offers for each age group for money spending celebrations!

Please take notes on this customer segment — your midlife valentine celebrating lot!

We don’t say bae!

At least not the one in English ! We don’t say “my boo” either!

No, we are not boomers!

We are simply society fearing people who call our spouses by their parent’s assigned names and keep our arranged marriages intact!

No offers for stringy, lacy, fragile garments!

Do not send us deep discounted offers about “barely there” undergarments and stuff that is only for the bae’s eyes.

Thongs ain’t our things!

We don’t endorse uncomfortable things lodged in our butt cracks while we pretend to feel oh, so sexy!

Sorry!

Lace doesn’t provide a sturdy base!

Those stringy things aren’t bold enough to hold!

Absolutely no suggestions that mentions our bedroom!

No offers of any sorts that ask us to “kink things up” in the bedroom! Are you kidding me?

We are the generation who have prayed to Hindu lord’s to get our spouses. And as you know that lords are pretty fair and just when it comes to blessings! They audit your karma and then find your match accordingly. We make sure to keep our act clean and avoid earning their wrath!

We do not indulge in anything deemed unholy, impious that would offend our deities. We stay in the society and religion accepted realms even when we romp the bed.We keep things under cover and private!

No PDA with or without food.

Suggest us places that are 40 years old friendly.

I mean it is not really appetising for us to dig into our bowl of sweet-corn mushroom soup sitting next to the table of the 20 something old gal-guy slurping a string of noodle from each end trying to meet their lips midway converting the whole scene into a “noodle-slurp and smooch” scenario!

Promote self love and personal space!

Suggest us stuff to do independently ! In fact, create offers for us where the “bae” gets to be alone ! And I get to have my pizza and Netflix ALONE!!

Promote this concept of celebration by “giving space” this valentine’s day! Go off-beat!

We have very limited desires these days. Our kids’ desires are our priority. So create family valentine’s packages! Remember we were talking all-inclusive!

I hope you will understand and take my suggestions into consideration!

Cheers to your whopping annual earnings! Let’s make space- tour a reality for you!